Giving Myself Away

One of the first times I talked to Magnus he was holding my hands from across the table. He looked directly into my eyes and said: "you should avoid me, Mary. I will end up hurting you." I shook my head and said that he wouldn't, no matter what. He said: "you will begin to love me, and then you will want me for yourself, and you will not be able to let me go. If you can't let me go entirely, I might never come back." I nodded and said that I understood. I said that I was his and that he was not mine, and that I was strong enough to love him like this. I was so sure I could love him under any conditions. My sisters loved him, and continue to love him, and they told me to stay away too. They said they didn't want to see me hurt, but I thought they just wanted less competition. I had no idea.

I knew Magnus had lots of girlfriends. When he introduced himself to me I had already read his whole blog. I felt like I already knew him so well. I felt like it was impossible for him to hurt me. When we are together he is so tender and passionate and he makes me feel so comfortable and sexy. When we are apart I write to him and he writes to me. From the time we first made love he told me all about what he was doing and who he was with. He has no secrets with me or any of us girls and is sure we always know who he is with and what he is doing. On Thursday I read about his evening with Lin before I met him for lunch. He had talked about her, and I had met her, but as I read I just couldn't help feeling sad. Something inside me yearns to be everything Magnus wants. I think "why would he need her when he could have me?" I knew I wasn't allowed to feel angry, but I just, well, was. When I got to his place he embraced me and kissed me, and could tell something was up.

After lunch we sat on the couch and he asked me what was wrong. The way he touches me makes him almost impossible to be angry at, but I still pouted and told him that I had been disappointed when I read about Lin. I asked him why he needed her when he could have me any way he wants? He told me he loves me, and when you love someone, you set them free. You let them blow like the wind and let their love find you. He said love does not envy or covet or restrain, but is forever free so long as we open our hearts and our souls. He was kissing my hand as he told me this and I just melted. I suddenly couldn't imagine what came over me, and he started giving me a foot massage, going on about how much he hopes I never envy or hate or do anything to distance myself from him. I knew I never would. He just warms me so easily, and it's unfair, just impossible. I suddenly needed him more than ever as his hands moved over my toes.

Then I felt he was hard under his jeans and began rubbing him through his pants with my toes. Back and forth as he told me more about how love just somehow finds a way against all odds so long as we trust and believe in it. He looked at me and I looked at his crotch then back into his eyes. He got the idea and pulled his cock out of his pants and then I started to give him a foot job! I had never done that, but I learned to sort of brace it with one foot and rub with the other. He leaned his head back and I felt him get harder against my feet. Then he took a picture, and I started to get into it, and he took more pictures. Giving a foot job is hard work because it turns out feet really weren't designed perfectly for the task. So, I got up, crawled down between his legs, and gave him something that he could feel a little better. By now I was completely over my funk and determined to make it up to him. Before long he grabbed me and threw me so I sort of dove back onto the couch, and I could her him jacking off to my feet and I don't know why, but this was an extreme turn on. After a minute he came all over my feet! Then he sat down, put my feet back on his lap and took a few more pictures. I just can't imagine anyone else doing this, but with Magnus, it's just like nothing out of the ordinary, and I think I already knew he would post those pictures on his blog, which he did. After that it was time for class, so I cleaned up, he kissed me, and, so, that was basically how I made it up to him.

It's hard loving him sometimes, but I'm getting better. I will remember to trust him and know that he loves me even when he is with other girls. After all, I know he still loves them when he is with me. For now, I just know that the more I give myself to Magnus completely, the more love will find me.

I Have Matriculated

Since classes started things have been crazy. I moved from home into a freshman dorm, which is extremely liberating, although I have a full load of classes. It seems like all I do is go to class, eat, study, and sleep. There's so little time to see Magnus. :( Don't worry, we make good use of our time together :)

Anyway, I've met so many new and wonderful people, especially my roommate, Liz. She is from a small town, and we got along right away. We're both sorta shy and geeky and wear glasses and everything. She is delightfully chirpy and silly and I know she'll make college and all its struggles all the more enjoyable. We have lots in common. She is the youngest of three sisters, we're both Tauruses, and we are both night owls, which is very important. I don't know if she has quite the deviant side I do, but if she does, I'll find out. We haven't talked much about sex, but she is the cutest little thing and I totally wish I had her boobs. They are perfectly pert and round, and seem to defy gravity without a bra. She already knows I have boob envy. Mine are still developing, that's all.

Well, back to work.

Here's a pic from my new dorm room. I took this today when Liz was at class. x

I'm back :)

Oh dear, it has been a busy summer ;) Reading through my posts I feel like I've grown so much...as a woman, a lover, a human. I have learned what it means to serve, to lust, to truly yearn. I have discovered the bitter suffering of patience and the sweet pain of desire. I have learned what it means to beg, to grovel, to hurt for more. I have trained my body to glide with a man's, adapting to his every move. I have learned the immense pleasures of a woman's touch. I now know how to accept, embrace, and delight in so many ways. With Magnus, I feel the look in his eyes through my body whenever we meet. I smell him on my clothes and on my sheets. I just can't stand it. I want to live in his smell.

We have written to each other so much, and so much has happened. I don't know where to begin. I originally started this blog because I needed an outlet. I needed some place to talk about hidden desires and fantasies, because I felt like I was always horny and thinking of inappropriate things (for a sensible young lady). So, this blog was that outlet. Then, when Magnus and I got together, I guess he was my outlet because I told him everything I was thinking and he told me everything he was thinking. I read everything he wrote (on his blog) and learned what he was thinking, and experimented with his body and mine, and now we know each other so well. But, the problem is, I'm more horny than ever, and all I want is Magnus, but he isn't always around.

So, I intend to resume this blog, because I need to remember the crazy things that have happened in my summer of love. I will describe how I became Magnus' "Goddess Slut." He said he calls me "Goddess" because I am proper and tidy in general, and he says sort of quiet and unapproachable. It's true, sort of, because I dress rather prudish in general. He calls me "Slut" for reasons that will become obvious. :) I think I dress so proper because of all the dirty things going on in my mind. Since I'm sharing, one thing I've discovered is that I love everything about Magnus' semen. (total blush) God help me, I love how it feels inside me or on my lips or my skin. I love how it smells and tastes. It's my obsession, and maybe also because of the way it affects Magnus. Like, when we were out with his family (of all people) drinking a malt this afternoon I wiped some that had spilled on my chin and looked at Magnus, and we were both thinking the exact same thing. Suddenly that drop of malt turned into the most delicious thing ever, and I liked it off my finger. As I did, Magnus gave me a look he gives me when he's mad at me for being a flirt, but it's not my fault, I totally can't really help it. Anyway, it turned me on so much, because that look means he is going to give it to me hard, and now I need to wait for another hour because he's still with his parents. And I'm so horny and he told me not to touch myself until he gets here, but I'm sooo wet and I'm grinding on the chair anyway (super blush). What's wrong with me, I just need to feel his hands on me. I just need to feel his hard cock and to feel his hot cum. I also told him to check this blog on his iphone, and I know he will be reading it as he takes the bus back. I guess that's mostly why I started writing, because when Magnus gets here I don't want to have to wait for his hot cum. I want his cock full. I want it right away, and I know this is one way to get it faster :) Please hurry Magnus x

Dancer

I heard someone say once: "when words fail, and expression is nonetheless necessary, we have art." I sometimes think that maybe we had art all along, and words were getting in the way. Or maybe it wasn't the words themselves, but our need to interpret them in some way, even if totally incorrect. I find words insufficient for my current circumstances, and also expression necessary. But, I'm not much of a poet or a painter or a musician. I know I can't sculpt or make anything adequate for this impossible mixture of joy, wonderment, love, and lust. Yet, I so desire to share it, even if only a glimpse. So, what becomes of me, of all this, when words fail?

I think we all have some outlet. For me, I'd say I am more of a dancer, I guess, because I tend to think that what I do is my art rather than what I say or paint or produce. I am the physical, moving, living world that feels and knows me, and that world can know me best. That world can watch me, undress me, clothe me. It can kiss me or make love to me and when it does I become one with that lost side. I embrace it and while the false half-world around me vanishes, I gain those real moments when I give all of myself. My body becomes my art so much as it can join you, delight you, and please you. You provide this world. I was built to entice you far less than to endure and accommodate, and you will see that this is true, if you decide to challenge me...

Waiting

Have you ever wanted something so bad you just couldn't stand it? That's me. It isn't anything out there or delusional. What I want is nothing new or strange. In fact, it's so easy and so common and abundant. Regular people all over do it every day, like a routine, and it is perfectly natural in every way. In fact, it has been a way of life for every one of our relatives since the beginning of time. All this, and it is the one thing I want most of all. I think about it as I lie in bed at night. I dream about it. Then, I wake up, and you are still there. I can feel your heat over me as you gives me what I require. How is it that the one man I offer myself to completely is also the same man who will not indulge in what I am offering. When I see you I want to take off all my clothes. I want to descend to my knees and feel your hands grasp my hair, guiding yourself between my open, wanting lips. Those were my thoughts today. Magnus, I know you are reading this. When we exchanged those words I know I must have sounded silly and seemed fidgety, but, truth be told, I was thinking about stripping naked right there among everyone in front of you. By what I was wearing, I have already told you this, but I want you to know that it is also what I was thinking. I was also thinking about writing to tell you. As we spoke, I thought about what I was going to write to you, what I am writing now. I have thought about it all day. So, I thought it would be appropriate to wear nothing now as I write. I hope that pleases you. If you haven't checked your email in the last few minutes you can see what I mean ;)

One Touch

I wish I knew what to write. I wish I had all the answers and could just be the woman he wants me to be. No, he needs more than that. He needs me to be myself, and then he will love me. But, I am not myself without him, without his love. How can I reject my heart by doing what he does not desire? No, I mustn't, and that is why I am writing. I write now to remind you, all of you, and myself, that I am owned by nothing other than my love, and my love is only his, and yours...all of yours. But, it cannot be mine or yours without Magnus. I had not learned to love until I felt him enter me. It was like a shock that electrified my bones, and now I live with him always, indulging in the perpetual rewards. Yet, when I see him, and I see him with another one of you, I wish I could bring that smile to his face. I know, I am selfish, but you all know how it feels. I know that I am part of what brings a smile to his face, just by my understanding...just by my ability to offer myself to him at all times, yet demand nothing of him. I do offer this to you, Magnus, but my body was built to be used, touched, cherished. I only ask for your hand to touch my skin for only a moment and I will be satisfied. Of course, your hands may take what is yours at any time and in any way.

Your Desire

One thing I like about you, Magnus, is that you don't think anyone should have to bottle up their feelings. We, I, everyone has too much value to suppress and deny the dreams and desires that fill our minds and hearts. As you say, what is life if we must go on living as slaves to one external thing or another? We need to look deep inside ourselves and realize our dreams, right?

I think about that a lot. I think about my dreams and desires. I want so much, so much of everything, that I know I'll never get most of it. I wanted to write about how much I desire to touch you and to make love to you. But, and I'll be honest, I am afraid. I think I am afraid because even more than I want to make love to you physically, I want you to love me as I love you, even if we never touch. You see? I want nothing but what you want. My most sincere dream is for you to have what you desire, but also, I admit that my dream is for you to desire me. If it is your desire to touch me, than it is mine. If you desire to put your hands on my breasts, than I want you to do that. And, if this is your desire, you should know that my body cries for your soft touch. It yearns for your lips on my bare flesh. It is ready for your open palm if you choose to spank me like some of the others, or punish me. But also, with your slightest desire, I welcome your hard, throbbing cock. As I think about this I can almost feel you inside of me as I burn for you. I can feel your power on top of me, and I wrap my legs over your back. I can smell your body, and feel your breath on my neck. We fit together so perfectly, snugly, as you push against me, into me. I know you so well, and have read about it. Your body attacks mine, first slowly, gently, and then gradually harder, then faster. You know how ready I am. So so ready, but I hold for you, suspend the lust that wells inside. It began so long ago, and I have waited and waited. But, I am ready for you, and ready exactly when you need me. By the time you pinch me I am already there, writhing, accepting the warm flood I crave so much.

Forgive me, but I do dream, and do want. I do this because I so want you to take my body and so I make it real in my mind even though it is not true and not your will, because it it were, you would have done it. I do trust you, Magnus, entirely, and I know you will have what you desire, but you can't prevent this desire, and so I share it with you. I only share what already exists for you to have, or to punish, or to dismiss. My desire is yours.

Myself

What reason do I have to be sad or angry? I have you to dream about, and that is more valuable to me than the touch of another man. I don't ask anything of you but what you cannot refuse. I don't ask for your time or your intimacy or your love. I can live without the sight of your beautiful smile. I can live without feeling your body against mine. But, I cannot live without offering you my best, Magnus. I know you probably think Vanessa coached me, and told me what to say to you, but she didn't. I am saying only what is true to my heart. I feel it in my soul and through my body too. I asked Vanessa how to win your affection, and she told me to be myself, and that is what I am doing. I can only offer you myself, and I only give it to you as it is. Be cruel to me. Be selfish or arrogant or corrupt. Lie to me and make me believe you're not the man I love so uncontrollably. Save me this fate, and allow me to live without this fire inside that only burns brighter with your every word. Or, join me in this love to whatever capacity you require, even if only a kiss. I will be nothing but lips if that is all you require of me. But, the more you demand of me, the greater I become. Demand more of me, Magnus. Show me the woman I can be, and I will prove that I could not disappoint you.

Meeting Magnus

Finally :)

I met with Magnus!

We met in a coffee house. He told me there was to be no misunderstanding. He said that I must be ready for anything. I told him I was. I was dressed appropriately, I think, a white sweater and skirt. My favorite boots. White stockings. No undies. :)

It was delightful. He is a gentleman, and we talked about all sorts of things. Music, art, philosophy. It was like getting to know him all over again from a different perspective. I know that sometimes it feels weird to talk to someone who you have only really got to know through email, but with him it felt normal. He knew his 'public' self was totally different than the person I knew. We both knew that. Yet, there was something surreal and exciting about understanding the person beneath the facade. Something very naughty and sexy. I had read all about his desires and wants. I knew exactly how he wanted to make love to me. He knew how badly I wanted his manhood in my mouth. Because of this I was nervous at first when I sat down, but was comfortable as soon as he smiled. I felt very vulnerable but very safe right away. It was lovely.

I wish I could tell you how his hand felt against my bare flesh or how tender his lips felt against mine. During our conversation I thought about sex, his stories, his desires. They were all there stirring just beneath the surface and I wondered if he would act on them. I wanted him to. I wanted him to so bad. I wondered if he could tell. I didn't want him to think too little of me, like I was a slut, so I was proper and sensible the whole time (almost). He knows he can have me whenever he wants me, though. (But I wanted him to want me right then lol.) Anyway, I'm not very good at writing about exactly what happened, and I don't think he would want me to anyway, but I am in love with him now more than ever and I am not afraid to say it. My sister Sara and I met afterward. She hears about the things Magnus and I talk about. And she tells me everything too, because Magnus doesn't mind if we share things between us. These are things that I can't say on a blog like this one, even though I want to. Anyway, that's enough for now. I'm happy and I feel free, and I know I will see Magnus soon again. I can't wait :)

Law

Words. I wish I knew how to use them as you liked. I wish I could tell you all the nasty things I want to do to you. They all well up inside me, but then they just burn within and never get written down, because I don't know how to write them. They are too raw, or intimate, or something. I don't know. All the words I think of are either too sensitive: touch, sooth, caress, or they are too dirty: cock, suck, fuck. I want all these words to be part of our vocabulary, but I will permit you to put them together in any way you please. Do you believe me, Magnus? Do you believe I could fulfill your imagination? To me your word is law. I want to be a good girl, and follow the law...

so hard

Oh, Magnus, the things I do for you. I want to do them, because you need and want me to, but you seem to know exactly what is hard for me. You know what embarrasses me and what I struggle to accept. I welcome it, all of it, and want you to ask more of me. You say I mustn't tell anyone about these things, and I have not. You say that I must not be rewarded for them by anyone but you. Oh, how I wonder why this is. How I wonder what your plan is for me. Haven't I proven I am able to please you? Haven't I shown you that my body and my mind can accommodate you? At least a little? Oh please, tell me what you need from me. I don't ask for pleasure, or for pain, or for happiness unless it is your desire. Use me, and know I am yours to use. You know this already, but you must believe that my words are backed with sincerity. You tell me that I am weak in spirit and in mind. You tell me I must understand the truth of my condition, but you will not tell me how. Oh, how I wish to know these things if you will only tell me. You say I must discover them for myself, but please, tell me a clue, or where to go. I am yours now and always. x

Love

How truly do I love you, my dear Magnus. If I could only express how your words make me feel. If I could only respond to you properly. I do fear my writing will not be adequate, and even know it is not as I write. Yet, my heart drives me to write, as you desire nothing less than what my heart can give. What you write to me is so real that I read your messages over and over again. I think of you a lot. As I drive. As I walk to class. As I do everything. Your love consumes me and makes me whole. I ask how dare you love me like this? And, I ask how I can dare to love so easily. But, with you I can because I can do no other. You have shown me I must love. It is who I am.

You know that I was not born to be simply liked or even just admired. What use are these things? What are my academic studies worth if departed from love? What is my body if only for physical gratification? Magnus, forgive me, I have given myself to vile men before. My former boyfriend was so charming and friendly at first, and I felt I loved him. I wanted him to want me so badly, and I wore revealing clothing for him. I'm sorry to say this, but you say I must be truthful. You said I must be honest in order to know your love. I desired the attention and knew he wanted me. Oh, how I wished he wanted me as you do. I will be sincere and say that I wanted him to love me so much he couldn't stand it. I gave much of myself, but nothing compared to what I am prepared to give you.

Magnus, I know you would not lie to me. How could you? I know you have love for yourself, as I do, and you have said the one who has self-love cannot deceive himself. If you refuse to deceive yourself, you also refuse to deceive me, and that is why I cannot help but love you. That is why I want you, my dearest Magnus. When I think of all the women who love you, I am not jealous but happy. You love them as you love me. In fact, I feel that when you love them you love me also, because they are all like my sisters who choose truth over deception. I know we are all needed more with you. You allow them to tell me about your fantasies and desires. Oh, I know them so well. I was once your fantasy, but now I am yours for real, in every way you desire me. When I think of being so desired I do yearn for you, and know we will be intimate when the time is right. As requested, another picture. Magnus, you know you have my permission to take this body any way you desire...

Wanted

It is true. I want to be loved and cherished. I cannot deny it, and I think it is perfectly natural for a woman to feel this way. I know I am wanted, and wanted by a wonderful man who knows this. He is why I started this blog. I will start with some history...

I was walking around the lakes a few weeks ago when a nice young lady approached me and introduced herself as Vanessa. She was pretty and casual and we started a conversation. When I walk, I usually don't stop and talk to strangers, but Vanessa seemed very familiar and gentle. I felt very comfortable speaking with her. Anyway, she was the one who informed me that I was 'wanted.'

She said that a gentleman had noticed me, and wanted me to have something. She said that what she was about to give me was very important, and that it could not be lost or change hands. She said it was for me and me alone, and that I would know what to do. She asked me if I could handle this responsibility and I said I could. So, she handed me a business card and walked away, saying that she was sure we would meet again. I looked at the card and it was blank except for a website URL. I was curious to learn more from her, but she appeared to be in a hurry. I put it in my pocket.

When I got home, I sat down at my computer and entered the address into my web browser. I was amazed to see that it was set up specifically for me. It said "Hi Mary, I'm so glad you're here." It asked me to login by entering the name of the woman who gave me the card, so I typed Vanessa and clicked Enter.

What I saw was the introduction of a man named Magnus. Apparently, this gentleman had learned about me from my sisters, and wanted to get to know me better. The website gave strict instructions that I was not to repeat anything that was written directly to me, but I can only say that he said things that were very warm and appealing. He seemed to be a very nice man, and as I read, I grew quite attached to him. I am permitted to share his memoirs, which describe a bit more about who he is, and who Vanessa is. It is a complicated and fascinating tale, and one I could not believe if I had not pursued further. To make a long story short, he is a wonderfully gentle, respectful, and eloquent man with many intimate female admirers. He has so many lovers, in fact, that it is rather hard to believe.

After reading his story and learning about who he was, I navigated through the website and found his email address. I decided to send him a message, and we began communicating with each other regularly. He made it clear from the very start that he is a very sexual and passionate man, and his messages to me were always very intimate and personal. He was very attentive, and seemed to know all about who I was and what I was doing. He knew all this from my sisters, and we suddenly became very close. He seemed to overwhelm me with intimacy and I somehow felt comfortable simply loving him. I would think about his messages all the time.

Before long, Vanessa contacted me, and we began to communicate as well. She explained what a privilege it was to be adored by Magnus. She invited me to meet her and several other women who also knew Magnus, including my sisters. It sounds crazy, but after you read his memoirs you'll see what I mean. Anyway, I did meet several wonderful girls who welcomed me into their community. They were so close with each other, and loving, and cheerful. We talked about all sorts of things, but finally, Vanessa said it was time to talk about Magnus.

All the women grew quiet and listened as Vanessa introduced me as their new friend. They told me that Magnus thought I was very special, and that I was needed very badly. They explained the things that Magnus had told all of them, and how much Magnus loved them. They told me that I have things that Magnus needs that no one else has, and that I have become part of his fantasy. You see, basically, Magnus shares his thoughts and desires these women, and they love him so much that they do things for him. I know it sounds strange, but to be loved so fiercely is no small thing, and it is true, I had grown to want nothing more than to please this man I had never even met.

The women told me all of the things that Magnus likes most, and what I would need to do to prove I care for him genuinely. And, that's why I started this blog. Because I am not ashamed to love and be loved by Magnus, and I will please him in any way he desires. I know you are reading, Magnus, and I hope you will also let me share some of my thoughts and desires with you. :)