Giving Myself Away

One of the first times I talked to Magnus he was holding my hands from across the table. He looked directly into my eyes and said: "you should avoid me, Mary. I will end up hurting you." I shook my head and said that he wouldn't, no matter what. He said: "you will begin to love me, and then you will want me for yourself, and you will not be able to let me go. If you can't let me go entirely, I might never come back." I nodded and said that I understood. I said that I was his and that he was not mine, and that I was strong enough to love him like this. I was so sure I could love him under any conditions. My sisters loved him, and continue to love him, and they told me to stay away too. They said they didn't want to see me hurt, but I thought they just wanted less competition. I had no idea.

I knew Magnus had lots of girlfriends. When he introduced himself to me I had already read his whole blog. I felt like I already knew him so well. I felt like it was impossible for him to hurt me. When we are together he is so tender and passionate and he makes me feel so comfortable and sexy. When we are apart I write to him and he writes to me. From the time we first made love he told me all about what he was doing and who he was with. He has no secrets with me or any of us girls and is sure we always know who he is with and what he is doing. On Thursday I read about his evening with Lin before I met him for lunch. He had talked about her, and I had met her, but as I read I just couldn't help feeling sad. Something inside me yearns to be everything Magnus wants. I think "why would he need her when he could have me?" I knew I wasn't allowed to feel angry, but I just, well, was. When I got to his place he embraced me and kissed me, and could tell something was up.

After lunch we sat on the couch and he asked me what was wrong. The way he touches me makes him almost impossible to be angry at, but I still pouted and told him that I had been disappointed when I read about Lin. I asked him why he needed her when he could have me any way he wants? He told me he loves me, and when you love someone, you set them free. You let them blow like the wind and let their love find you. He said love does not envy or covet or restrain, but is forever free so long as we open our hearts and our souls. He was kissing my hand as he told me this and I just melted. I suddenly couldn't imagine what came over me, and he started giving me a foot massage, going on about how much he hopes I never envy or hate or do anything to distance myself from him. I knew I never would. He just warms me so easily, and it's unfair, just impossible. I suddenly needed him more than ever as his hands moved over my toes.

Then I felt he was hard under his jeans and began rubbing him through his pants with my toes. Back and forth as he told me more about how love just somehow finds a way against all odds so long as we trust and believe in it. He looked at me and I looked at his crotch then back into his eyes. He got the idea and pulled his cock out of his pants and then I started to give him a foot job! I had never done that, but I learned to sort of brace it with one foot and rub with the other. He leaned his head back and I felt him get harder against my feet. Then he took a picture, and I started to get into it, and he took more pictures. Giving a foot job is hard work because it turns out feet really weren't designed perfectly for the task. So, I got up, crawled down between his legs, and gave him something that he could feel a little better. By now I was completely over my funk and determined to make it up to him. Before long he grabbed me and threw me so I sort of dove back onto the couch, and I could her him jacking off to my feet and I don't know why, but this was an extreme turn on. After a minute he came all over my feet! Then he sat down, put my feet back on his lap and took a few more pictures. I just can't imagine anyone else doing this, but with Magnus, it's just like nothing out of the ordinary, and I think I already knew he would post those pictures on his blog, which he did. After that it was time for class, so I cleaned up, he kissed me, and, so, that was basically how I made it up to him.

It's hard loving him sometimes, but I'm getting better. I will remember to trust him and know that he loves me even when he is with other girls. After all, I know he still loves them when he is with me. For now, I just know that the more I give myself to Magnus completely, the more love will find me.

I Have Matriculated

Since classes started things have been crazy. I moved from home into a freshman dorm, which is extremely liberating, although I have a full load of classes. It seems like all I do is go to class, eat, study, and sleep. There's so little time to see Magnus. :( Don't worry, we make good use of our time together :)

Anyway, I've met so many new and wonderful people, especially my roommate, Liz. She is from a small town, and we got along right away. We're both sorta shy and geeky and wear glasses and everything. She is delightfully chirpy and silly and I know she'll make college and all its struggles all the more enjoyable. We have lots in common. She is the youngest of three sisters, we're both Tauruses, and we are both night owls, which is very important. I don't know if she has quite the deviant side I do, but if she does, I'll find out. We haven't talked much about sex, but she is the cutest little thing and I totally wish I had her boobs. They are perfectly pert and round, and seem to defy gravity without a bra. She already knows I have boob envy. Mine are still developing, that's all.

Well, back to work.

Here's a pic from my new dorm room. I took this today when Liz was at class. x

I'm back :)

Oh dear, it has been a busy summer ;) Reading through my posts I feel like I've grown so much...as a woman, a lover, a human. I have learned what it means to serve, to lust, to truly yearn. I have discovered the bitter suffering of patience and the sweet pain of desire. I have learned what it means to beg, to grovel, to hurt for more. I have trained my body to glide with a man's, adapting to his every move. I have learned the immense pleasures of a woman's touch. I now know how to accept, embrace, and delight in so many ways. With Magnus, I feel the look in his eyes through my body whenever we meet. I smell him on my clothes and on my sheets. I just can't stand it. I want to live in his smell.

We have written to each other so much, and so much has happened. I don't know where to begin. I originally started this blog because I needed an outlet. I needed some place to talk about hidden desires and fantasies, because I felt like I was always horny and thinking of inappropriate things (for a sensible young lady). So, this blog was that outlet. Then, when Magnus and I got together, I guess he was my outlet because I told him everything I was thinking and he told me everything he was thinking. I read everything he wrote (on his blog) and learned what he was thinking, and experimented with his body and mine, and now we know each other so well. But, the problem is, I'm more horny than ever, and all I want is Magnus, but he isn't always around.

So, I intend to resume this blog, because I need to remember the crazy things that have happened in my summer of love. I will describe how I became Magnus' "Goddess Slut." He said he calls me "Goddess" because I am proper and tidy in general, and he says sort of quiet and unapproachable. It's true, sort of, because I dress rather prudish in general. He calls me "Slut" for reasons that will become obvious. :) I think I dress so proper because of all the dirty things going on in my mind. Since I'm sharing, one thing I've discovered is that I love everything about Magnus' semen. (total blush) God help me, I love how it feels inside me or on my lips or my skin. I love how it smells and tastes. It's my obsession, and maybe also because of the way it affects Magnus. Like, when we were out with his family (of all people) drinking a malt this afternoon I wiped some that had spilled on my chin and looked at Magnus, and we were both thinking the exact same thing. Suddenly that drop of malt turned into the most delicious thing ever, and I liked it off my finger. As I did, Magnus gave me a look he gives me when he's mad at me for being a flirt, but it's not my fault, I totally can't really help it. Anyway, it turned me on so much, because that look means he is going to give it to me hard, and now I need to wait for another hour because he's still with his parents. And I'm so horny and he told me not to touch myself until he gets here, but I'm sooo wet and I'm grinding on the chair anyway (super blush). What's wrong with me, I just need to feel his hands on me. I just need to feel his hard cock and to feel his hot cum. I also told him to check this blog on his iphone, and I know he will be reading it as he takes the bus back. I guess that's mostly why I started writing, because when Magnus gets here I don't want to have to wait for his hot cum. I want his cock full. I want it right away, and I know this is one way to get it faster :) Please hurry Magnus x

Dancer

I heard someone say once: "when words fail, and expression is nonetheless necessary, we have art." I sometimes think that maybe we had art all along, and words were getting in the way. Or maybe it wasn't the words themselves, but our need to interpret them in some way, even if totally incorrect. I find words insufficient for my current circumstances, and also expression necessary. But, I'm not much of a poet or a painter or a musician. I know I can't sculpt or make anything adequate for this impossible mixture of joy, wonderment, love, and lust. Yet, I so desire to share it, even if only a glimpse. So, what becomes of me, of all this, when words fail?

I think we all have some outlet. For me, I'd say I am more of a dancer, I guess, because I tend to think that what I do is my art rather than what I say or paint or produce. I am the physical, moving, living world that feels and knows me, and that world can know me best. That world can watch me, undress me, clothe me. It can kiss me or make love to me and when it does I become one with that lost side. I embrace it and while the false half-world around me vanishes, I gain those real moments when I give all of myself. My body becomes my art so much as it can join you, delight you, and please you. You provide this world. I was built to entice you far less than to endure and accommodate, and you will see that this is true, if you decide to challenge me...

Waiting

Have you ever wanted something so bad you just couldn't stand it? That's me. It isn't anything out there or delusional. What I want is nothing new or strange. In fact, it's so easy and so common and abundant. Regular people all over do it every day, like a routine, and it is perfectly natural in every way. In fact, it has been a way of life for every one of our relatives since the beginning of time. All this, and it is the one thing I want most of all. I think about it as I lie in bed at night. I dream about it. Then, I wake up, and you are still there. I can feel your heat over me as you gives me what I require. How is it that the one man I offer myself to completely is also the same man who will not indulge in what I am offering. When I see you I want to take off all my clothes. I want to descend to my knees and feel your hands grasp my hair, guiding yourself between my open, wanting lips. Those were my thoughts today. Magnus, I know you are reading this. When we exchanged those words I know I must have sounded silly and seemed fidgety, but, truth be told, I was thinking about stripping naked right there among everyone in front of you. By what I was wearing, I have already told you this, but I want you to know that it is also what I was thinking. I was also thinking about writing to tell you. As we spoke, I thought about what I was going to write to you, what I am writing now. I have thought about it all day. So, I thought it would be appropriate to wear nothing now as I write. I hope that pleases you. If you haven't checked your email in the last few minutes you can see what I mean ;)

One Touch

I wish I knew what to write. I wish I had all the answers and could just be the woman he wants me to be. No, he needs more than that. He needs me to be myself, and then he will love me. But, I am not myself without him, without his love. How can I reject my heart by doing what he does not desire? No, I mustn't, and that is why I am writing. I write now to remind you, all of you, and myself, that I am owned by nothing other than my love, and my love is only his, and yours...all of yours. But, it cannot be mine or yours without Magnus. I had not learned to love until I felt him enter me. It was like a shock that electrified my bones, and now I live with him always, indulging in the perpetual rewards. Yet, when I see him, and I see him with another one of you, I wish I could bring that smile to his face. I know, I am selfish, but you all know how it feels. I know that I am part of what brings a smile to his face, just by my understanding...just by my ability to offer myself to him at all times, yet demand nothing of him. I do offer this to you, Magnus, but my body was built to be used, touched, cherished. I only ask for your hand to touch my skin for only a moment and I will be satisfied. Of course, your hands may take what is yours at any time and in any way.

Your Desire

One thing I like about you, Magnus, is that you don't think anyone should have to bottle up their feelings. We, I, everyone has too much value to suppress and deny the dreams and desires that fill our minds and hearts. As you say, what is life if we must go on living as slaves to one external thing or another? We need to look deep inside ourselves and realize our dreams, right?

I think about that a lot. I think about my dreams and desires. I want so much, so much of everything, that I know I'll never get most of it. I wanted to write about how much I desire to touch you and to make love to you. But, and I'll be honest, I am afraid. I think I am afraid because even more than I want to make love to you physically, I want you to love me as I love you, even if we never touch. You see? I want nothing but what you want. My most sincere dream is for you to have what you desire, but also, I admit that my dream is for you to desire me. If it is your desire to touch me, than it is mine. If you desire to put your hands on my breasts, than I want you to do that. And, if this is your desire, you should know that my body cries for your soft touch. It yearns for your lips on my bare flesh. It is ready for your open palm if you choose to spank me like some of the others, or punish me. But also, with your slightest desire, I welcome your hard, throbbing cock. As I think about this I can almost feel you inside of me as I burn for you. I can feel your power on top of me, and I wrap my legs over your back. I can smell your body, and feel your breath on my neck. We fit together so perfectly, snugly, as you push against me, into me. I know you so well, and have read about it. Your body attacks mine, first slowly, gently, and then gradually harder, then faster. You know how ready I am. So so ready, but I hold for you, suspend the lust that wells inside. It began so long ago, and I have waited and waited. But, I am ready for you, and ready exactly when you need me. By the time you pinch me I am already there, writhing, accepting the warm flood I crave so much.

Forgive me, but I do dream, and do want. I do this because I so want you to take my body and so I make it real in my mind even though it is not true and not your will, because it it were, you would have done it. I do trust you, Magnus, entirely, and I know you will have what you desire, but you can't prevent this desire, and so I share it with you. I only share what already exists for you to have, or to punish, or to dismiss. My desire is yours.